Ups & Downs

A couple weeks ago I got to do something that I haven't been able to do in a long time. I got to wear jeans. My momma took me shopping for my birthday, because I think she's even tired of my constant gym clothes attire. I thought "Why not? Just try them on" when I saw a pair of jeans. Pants have always been hard for me. I have larger hips and quite the butt, then I'm also short. I gave up on being "trendy" in any sense of the word in my teens. I had jeans, but they were the elastic waist "mom" jeans. My sister-in-law even joked about getting me pajama jeans..She would never do that. No hate mail please.

I stepped into the dressing room with a couple different cuts and sizes and tired them on. First was a strike, they were about 8 inches too long and were so wide they looked like a skirt. Second pair, were these (in the photo). I stood in the window and teared up a bit. They had a zipper and buttons. The length was perfect. Needless to say, I bought two pairs.  I got to wear them out, and it's nice to wear clothes that everyone else wears and takes for granted. I felt pretty for the first time in a long time. Not the ego matters, but it does get me out of the house.

Then yesterday, this happened.

My trainer at HotBox is pretty hardcore. At the strength class last night, the TRX was part of the circuit. That's not out of the ordinary. I'm usually pretty good at it too, expect when it involves putting my feet in the handles. I don't have the confidence yet. I wind up spending the 5 minutes at that station being frustrated and wanting to set the TRX on fire. However, each time I get better. Last night, I had to try the TRX burpie. I got about 3 of them..Then on round 2, I fell straight down. No one saw, other than my trainer. I'm not embarrassed that I fell. I fall frequently, it's nothing new. I was more so frustrated that I couldn't do it. I have unrealistic expectations of myself. I feel like I should get things right on the first go. Which is dumb. No one can do that. I, however, felt as though I should. So I cried the rest of the time during class and until I pulled into the driveway at my house. My trainer kept asking if I was okay, thinking maybe I was hurt. Just my ego. It was really bruised.

Today is a new day and I need to learn not to be so hard on myself. Everything will be okay. And I will not be defeated by the TRX.

Birthday Gift

In 6 days, I'll be turning 30. I've had about 2-3 breakdowns about it, but for now I'm okay. Things are looking up.

About a month ago, I also lost my job. Instead of being crazy depressed and eating myself to happy, I hit the gym harder. I figured why not kill time between job searching and future planning than by working out? So I did, putting in 2 (or sometimes) 3 a days, really changing up my diet (yet again, nothing crazy, just mixing it up) and this morning I found out that all of this work is beginning to pay off.

Seven years ago, this number above with 73.26%. I saved that number. I remember getting it and just crying like crazy. My body, the scale and the mirror told me I was fat, and now I had yet another number to prove it.  Now, I'm down to 31%, which is within NORMAL range. That is pretty much the only thing about me that is normal. Seeing that number made me the happiest I had been in quite a while. Despite everything that could cause an emotional eater to binge, I can see that staying away from that has really paid off. I don't need to binge, because I worked too hard to get to here. While my body, scale and sometime myself, tell me that I'm fat; I can see that I'm healthy, strong and I don't have that much further to go. 

You just have to keep going. 

Determination=Results

Even though, over the last eight months, I haven't lost a ton of weight...or as much as I've wanted to, I can see the results.

(65ish pounds down (since January) and about 20 inches in 8 months)

I've been on a weight-loss journey for for seven years now. So far I've lost 165ish pounds. Which is a pretty great number for me, coming down from over 400 pounds has been quite a struggle. I battle daily with the fact that I haven't reached my goal weight in the 7 years. Any of you who have struggled yourself with weight loss, you know what I'm talking about.

I'm not one to dwell on negatives and focus on what I've learned.

1) I have to eat to live, not live to eat. You need food to survive, to live, but I don't need it when I'm sad/mad/happy/breathing/bored/celebrating/etc. I haven't turned to food as a friend in a couple years. It doesn't make up for the fact that I did for a long time. Food was there whenever I needed it to be. Now, I look at food to fuel my body. It's a hard realize that sometimes. I've come by some great coaches and friends that have helped me learn this. I've been doing the paleo diet for six weeks now. I was strict for a month. I'm going to stick with it, I'm allowing myself rice occasionally and yogurt once a day. Mostly to switch things up.

2) Exercise is super important and my body feels weird without it. I started doing Muay Thai in 2006 under Eric Haycraft (www.realfightersgym.com). BEST DECISION EVER MADE. I learned discipline, I gained a family. I learned that I'm tough, I'm strong, and that I am an athlete. I'm a fighter. I wasn't allowed to give up, I had to try every task before me. I learned to jump rope. I learned to depend on others and reach out. Moving to Nashville was hard, because I had to leave that gym and my coach. Now at HotBox (www.hb4.me), I have learned a lot of the same things. It's a different game. I've improved on my skills, power and speed. I've gained a lot of strength from circuit training classes and flexibility in yoga.

3) You can't lose weight alone. This is not a journey taken by yourself. People help you along the way. I am fiercely independent. I don't ask for help, I throw fits when people buy my drink/meal/etc, even if the tasks takes me longer without help, I'd rather do it myself. In this journey, I have learned that I have to put my hand out sometimes and ask for help. I have to have my trainer get in my face and yell at me to keep going. I need the people on my team.

Thank you, readers, for being a part of this journey too. What's next? Well, I'm going to continue down this path. I have a bit more to go. I'm focusing on getting stronger, leaner. I'm not focused as much on a number anymore. More on how my body feels.

Good luck.

-Amos