so this is the new year!

i'm very late on a new years post. the first week, i was in kentucky, just hanging out. unemployment gave me a much needed break in my hometown. i was able to go back to my old gym (www.realfighters.com), be with family, and some much needed time with friends that i've missed.

this is the time of year when people go on a fitness frenzy. i've noticed a pick up in gym attendance, there were a few more people in whole foods when i was there on saturday. i decided this year that i wasn't going to make resolutions, because quite honestly i never keep them. i did make some goals this year. getting out of debt (those stupid student loans), getting involved in a church, being more social, traveling more, reading more, are just a few.

yall have had the privilege of following me through the diets i've tried over the past year. nothing really lasting, and that's the story of my life. it's taken me so long to get to goal weight for two major reasons. one, because i jump the fad diet train. like mullets and tight rolling your jeans, they don't last. i've been eating for what my body needs. nothing processed, lots of fresh good foods. my body feels better. my workouts are better. i haven't been stressing over calories, just eating when i'm hungry and eating what's good.

the other is because i don't feel like i'm worth it. (warning this is not a petty me please entry, carry on) i don't know who told me i wasn't worth it, but i believed them. it's carried me to 30 and fat. i did this to myself. i need to realize that i am worth it. i'm worth being happy in my body. it's a journey.

i hope your new year is fantastic. i believe it will be the best yet.

Ups & Downs

A couple weeks ago I got to do something that I haven't been able to do in a long time. I got to wear jeans. My momma took me shopping for my birthday, because I think she's even tired of my constant gym clothes attire. I thought "Why not? Just try them on" when I saw a pair of jeans. Pants have always been hard for me. I have larger hips and quite the butt, then I'm also short. I gave up on being "trendy" in any sense of the word in my teens. I had jeans, but they were the elastic waist "mom" jeans. My sister-in-law even joked about getting me pajama jeans..She would never do that. No hate mail please.

I stepped into the dressing room with a couple different cuts and sizes and tired them on. First was a strike, they were about 8 inches too long and were so wide they looked like a skirt. Second pair, were these (in the photo). I stood in the window and teared up a bit. They had a zipper and buttons. The length was perfect. Needless to say, I bought two pairs.  I got to wear them out, and it's nice to wear clothes that everyone else wears and takes for granted. I felt pretty for the first time in a long time. Not the ego matters, but it does get me out of the house.

Then yesterday, this happened.

My trainer at HotBox is pretty hardcore. At the strength class last night, the TRX was part of the circuit. That's not out of the ordinary. I'm usually pretty good at it too, expect when it involves putting my feet in the handles. I don't have the confidence yet. I wind up spending the 5 minutes at that station being frustrated and wanting to set the TRX on fire. However, each time I get better. Last night, I had to try the TRX burpie. I got about 3 of them..Then on round 2, I fell straight down. No one saw, other than my trainer. I'm not embarrassed that I fell. I fall frequently, it's nothing new. I was more so frustrated that I couldn't do it. I have unrealistic expectations of myself. I feel like I should get things right on the first go. Which is dumb. No one can do that. I, however, felt as though I should. So I cried the rest of the time during class and until I pulled into the driveway at my house. My trainer kept asking if I was okay, thinking maybe I was hurt. Just my ego. It was really bruised.

Today is a new day and I need to learn not to be so hard on myself. Everything will be okay. And I will not be defeated by the TRX.

Birthday Gift

In 6 days, I'll be turning 30. I've had about 2-3 breakdowns about it, but for now I'm okay. Things are looking up.

About a month ago, I also lost my job. Instead of being crazy depressed and eating myself to happy, I hit the gym harder. I figured why not kill time between job searching and future planning than by working out? So I did, putting in 2 (or sometimes) 3 a days, really changing up my diet (yet again, nothing crazy, just mixing it up) and this morning I found out that all of this work is beginning to pay off.

Seven years ago, this number above with 73.26%. I saved that number. I remember getting it and just crying like crazy. My body, the scale and the mirror told me I was fat, and now I had yet another number to prove it.  Now, I'm down to 31%, which is within NORMAL range. That is pretty much the only thing about me that is normal. Seeing that number made me the happiest I had been in quite a while. Despite everything that could cause an emotional eater to binge, I can see that staying away from that has really paid off. I don't need to binge, because I worked too hard to get to here. While my body, scale and sometime myself, tell me that I'm fat; I can see that I'm healthy, strong and I don't have that much further to go. 

You just have to keep going.